Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.
1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home
The influence of both a male and female parent on a child's development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child's life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.
Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child's emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.
Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child's emotional and intellectual development.
2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents
Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase "for better or for worse" is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it's a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.
However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child's interests before their own.
Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.
3. To be a parent is a moral obligation - not a choice
There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child 'I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore, this simply isn't going to work'. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child 'it's better for you in the long run' but the truth is - it isn't. A child's
The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it's one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?
4. A child deserves and expects it
During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness - that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child's interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?
If a child doesn't deserve a parent's unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.
5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.
Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other's needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that's coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they 'get' out of the relationship, if they ain't 'getting' then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.
When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.
Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child's expectations of the parents are always right - even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child - they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents' affections or lives up to their expectations.
6. A broken home results in a broken child
Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life - even years afterwards - than those from two-parent families.
While parents may argue that they split up for the child's sake, in actuality, it's rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.
7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage
Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.
If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents' desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.
Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn't be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn't have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.
Having worked at a difficult marriage for 20 years in order to bring up my two children my desire is to encourage and help other parents in a similar situation to do the same. My core belief on parenting is that a good parent can find ways of making a marriage work - even if not fulfilling - in order to provide their children with a stable, happy home in which to grow up.
The modern belief that leaving a bad marriage for the sake of the children has no evidential basis. In fact, studies on both sides of the Atlantic have shown that children who come from homes where both parents are present even if the marriage isn't a good one, develop better emotionally and intellectually than those who come from broken homes. Parents who are considering divorce should take notice of this evidence if they truly want the best for their children.
My book "How To Be A Good Parent In A Bad Marriage" provides encouragement and support for parents who find themselves struggling to cope with the stresses and traumas of being a parent in an unhappy marriage, and shows how you can find happiness and fulfillment in life while being a great parent to your children.
E. my spouse cannot agree on how to raise our children. I believe that my spouse is too rigid and my spouse believes that I am very gentle. Meanwhile, children are getting away with everything. What to do?
A. This is an excellent and all-too-common question. Thus, in a manner typical therapist, I'm going to start my answer a question.
Where in the world did we get the idea that both parents should agree to every aspect of parenting; supposed to somehow, we believe that two separate individuals, who grew up with different models of how parent (if they had been in all models), life different experiences and possibly different temperaments, going to come together and agree on all aspects of the complex task of parenting.
Sorry, just don't buy it.
Not only this is unenforceable meaning in the real world, it can be a disastrous as well. The best goal, of course, it would be for these two different people to combine their respective parenting styles to a group of regular and supportive parenting is difficult, although it can occur.But when they believe the lie for having always to agree, you can set up a power struggle between two adults.
All of us are right and we tend to fight for. In many cases, instead of coming together as a team, parents grow distance and distance between two lamps, strictly adhering to their own style.
A person with a more aggressive style has something to learn from someone with a more lenient style, and vice versa, but instead of learning from each other, this is more strict and gentle is more lenient. This creates, at best, criticism and discontent, and a large enough for a child to drive a truck through vacuum children suffering, and parents alliloexoydeterwnetai between them.
It also sets up what I call '' parent '' trap. Image on the face of a clock. At 12 o'clock is the word ' angry, ' four ' in the word '' '' and sympathy in eight phrase '' take advantage. ''
Trapping starts when a strange, does something wrong or is the problem; the parent starts at the top of the clock, it becomes '' angry and says something like ' OK, you do so, you're grounded for life!'' or some equally pragmatic proposal.
After a while, the parent moves down the clock for '' hard '', and lets the child off the hook.
Sure enough, the child develops and repeats the same action or something equally disappointing that moves the parent over feeling '' taken advantage of.The mother did not feel this way for a long time before thinking or saying, '' how to do this after you've made for you!?!'' The parent quickly returns to the top of the clock, and anger.''
See the vicious circle that defines? in the middle is the child runs the show.
Now let's complicate even more, with our two styles different parenting process. Imagine having a parent stuck anger and another crash in sympathy or a combination of equally harmful. There is a hole to odigiseis a truck through.
There are many useful features out of this trap parent. one of the simpler called odd/even schedule.
Here is how it works: numbered days, it is a parent of parenting.This means that all discipline, privileges, debates, etc., passed from the parent to that entire day; the other parent is to honour and just say (unless there is blood or some other legitimate emergency).
The parent is on for that day to call about the other parent as a practitioner, if you so choose. otherwise, disable parent required '' personality the wisdom '' for the day, has reversed roles simply have the next day, even on the day of the parent who was responsible is disabled and the parent who was disabled is liable.
This plan can take advantage of the family in several ways:
Parents come together to agree to follow the plan.
To see other this in action and see that he or she can parent takes of each parent.
To practice their own parenting skills takes of each parent.
Children and to see each parent.
The door is open to parents to come together as a group.
The task of parenting is quite difficult, but it does not have to become a power struggle between two adults, it is important to remember that the goal is to form an effective team, with both parents to have their own unique skills and learning; in this way, the whole family benefits.
Visit parentingyourteenager.com for tips and tools for eyimeroyse during teen. you can also subscribe to our f * r * e * e 5 day e-program about The Top 5 Things to never Say to your teenager discounts from parenting coach and expert Jeff herring.
Many parents are hungry for healthy parenting tips parenting advice doesnt.The Responsible Kids Network offers parenting tips to encourage and support, authoritative parenting.
I did not expect parenting to be so hard
New parents may be unprepared state for the exhilarating, yet exhausting, journey that occupying ahead in parenting.It's important for all parents to realize that just because a person is able to procreate, doesn't naturally provide the patience and knowledge needed to be an effective and healthy parent. Gaining knowledge about the nature of children and healthy and effective parenting styles, will help parents to be calmer and empower parents to be more effective in raising responsible kids.
I am hopping to parent differently than I was parented
Many times a parent may be aware of times that didn't go so smoothly in his or her own childhood and wish to parent differently once he or she has children. At all ages and stages of our children's lives, we may remember back to how our parents may have reacted in similar situations. Prior generations did not have the information that we now have available about healthy parenting. But family loyalties and legacies in each of our families has shown to significantly impact our parenting.
I am nice to my child but then he misbehaves
Parents and other caregivers sometimes hope that if they act nicely to a child, the child will act nicely in return. This is referred to as the "strings attached" approach. Adults (and some older children) can relate to the concept of fair giving and receiving, but most children are not mature enough to respond this way. By expecting this level of maturity, a parent is being unfair to a child.The executive role of parenting cannot be done through love and understanding alone.Effective discipline promotes self esteem, self-respect, self-control and existing a positive parent-child relationship.
Am I a bad parent when I get angry with my child?
Anger is a natural and inevitable emotion and it's okay to feel angry with a child.The key is for parents to learn healthy ways to express angry feelings to a child. Anger is usually a secondary emotion, so figuring out what the underlying feelings may be (frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, etc.) can be helpful in managing how to express anger. At these times, emotionally charged parents are role-modeling for a child how to handle anger.
My child and I are so different and we always clashing
The make-up of a child who is consists of ages and stages of development, uniqueness, maturity level, and situational factors. The uniqueness of a child (or any person) includes the individual nature of temperament, intelligences, brain dominance, giftedness, and learning styles. If these unique traits of a child do not "match" the unique traits of a parent, then there may not be "goodness to fit" and power struggles and miscommunication may result. When a parent is able to better understand these unique traits in a child, and how it may differ (i.e. conflict) with his or her own unique traits, the parent becomes calmer and more confident in parenting.
Is it okay to spank my child?
Spanking, and other forms of corporal punishment, is not a healthy or effective way to discipline children. The goal of discipline is to teach children proper behavior and self-control.Spanking may teach children to stop doing something out of fear. Despite some underlying attitudes and beliefs that spanking is an effective way to discipline children, extensive research strongly indicates any form of corporal punishment will negatively impact a child's self esteem and the relationship between parent and child.
My problems and I don't have the same style of parenting
Reconciling different parenting styles may be a challenge for many spouses.Consistent messages from parents to children is a key element of healthy and effective parenting. Many times when we're going to court and marry our problems, we have not even thought about parenting styles, and then we have children and parenting style differences may suddenly surface. Parents should take time when children are not present to work on a consistent "parenting philosophy" that can accept and even honor different parenting styles.Working together, rather than against each other, will help support and nurture responsible kids.
How can I be a good parent?
A healthy and effective parent is an intentional parent, who understands a child's needs. There are no "perfect parents," just as there are no "perfect children." Striving for accomplishment in all areas of parenting can only cause frustration and stress. Parents are given mostly chances each and every day to provide healthy authoritative parenting for their kids.
Show your love. Tell your kids you love them every day by sending messages of "I believe in you, I trust you, I know you can handle life situations, you are listened to, you are cared for, and you are very important to me."
Be consistent.Your rules don't have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent.(Consistent means the rules are the same all the time, and followed by all family members.)Establish a "parenting philosophy" with your problems.
Prioritize your relationship with your child.Building a strong relationship with your child should be top priority, and when communicating with a child, it's most effective to remember to preserve the strength of the bond.The importance of strong, healthy bond between parent and child cannot be overstated, because these bonds serve as the foundation upon which all other life relationships are well-formed.
Listen to your child.Active listening is the greatest gift to a child.Learn to accept, although not necessarily agree with, what your child is saying.Temporarily put set-aside your own thoughts and values and show empathy when listening to a child, trying diligently to see things from his or her perspective.
Strive for an produced connection with your child.Understanding your child's emotions will help you understand what motivates his or her behavior.Emotions are the real fuel of power struggles with your kids.When you identify those emotions, you can choose strategies to teach your child what he or she may be feeling and how to respond to those feelings in a more appropriate way.
Evaluate the behavior, not the child.Be intentional about self-esteem building and address misbehavior directly, rather than through evaluating the child.It's better to say "I see you're having trouble sharing with your friend," rather than "don't be selfish, you need to share.
For more information on understanding the complex nature of who is a child, how his or her brain – and processes information, and to practice new and easy-to-learn healthy parenting tools, please visit: Responsible Kids Network at http://responsiblekids.net
Marty Wolner (BA, CPE, ICF, PACA) is a Certified Parenting Educator for the Institute for Professional and Educational Development, and New Paradigm Training Institute in Ft. Washington, PA and the Institute for Family Professionals in Philadelphia, PA, and the parent of two teenagers.
There are, in this complex world, a great many step-parents. If you're one, as I am aware of your legal status in terms of what you can and cannot permit, when it comes to your children step?
Imagine that you have your wife recently married and has three children. Your spouse is disabled in the camp with a younger child leaving to run around with two elderly. You agree to go on cycling for a half an hour. Then the police.One of the children have an accident and are currently treated with paramedics before taking the other in the hospital. child is accused of causing the accident and the police that you want to talk about it.
None of the children's natural parents cannot communicate with the mobile phone. what you can do or what to do? The answer to this question will depend on whether you have parental responsibility.
Who really has parental responsibility?
Step-parent, even if they marry a parent of children does not have custody of a child automatically. Parental responsibility is the package of rights and duties associated with a child. Duties include providing clothing, a home, education and making sure that the harm is in the child. A person with parental responsibility can authorise a change of the name for a child in certain circumstances and to give its consent to marry, if children under the age of 18.
The mother of a child is always in matters of parental responsibility. An unmarried father of a child whose birth was registered before 30 November 2003 does not automatically have parental responsibility even if it is entered as the father in the birth of the child. From 1 December 2003, however, an unmarried father, who is present when it is posted at birth is about the birth certificate, obtain parental responsibility.Father's day without parental responsibility is able to obtain it through a formal agreement registered with the authorities or through a series of Court.
The rights and responsibilities of step-parents
Step-parents from 5th December 2005 may also obtain parental responsibility through a formal agreement or Court order; Other orders which have the effect of parental responsibility, step-parent or other person (e.g. grand-parent) is a series of houses which starts when a child will live, and gives the person with the Residence Order in matters of parental responsibility, until the child is 16.However, a parental responsibility Order lasts until the 18th birthday of the child.After the Civil Partnership Act 2004 comes into force on 5 December 2005 same-sex partners in a registered partnership are also able to acquire parental responsibility by formal agreement or Court order.
Step-parents still will not and does not have parental responsibility For a automatically. formal agreement to any person with parental responsibility to sign the agreement; this is often the natural parents and any other persons who have parental responsibility from the birth of the child.
A parent on acquisition of parental responsibility has the same duties and responsibilities as any other individual including natural parent with custody.
For tips about how to obtain parental responsibility and what are your responsibilities as a step-parent contact Karen Agnew-Griffith, specialized family lawyer with Woolley & Co. lawyers. Karen advise regularly parents and step-parents concerning the rights and responsibilities; call (01366 727170) or email Karen with your specific questions at firstname.lastname@example.org